(no subject)

I am Oui

I am urgent
I am needful
I am tensed calves
I am hunger
I am want

I am hot moist breath exhaled into your waiting lips.
I am red marks left on skin

I am low belly moan and staccato gasps
I am slippery, slick wetness
I am fingers clutching

I am
now
now
now

I am nerves alive and singing.
I am muscle pounding
blood pulsing, flesh abraded and tender

I am desire
I am need
I am want
I am urgent


-P.D. Ashton
02.18.15

(no subject)

Less and less I can tolerate wearing this

What used to be shield has turned to anchor

So done with false regard

I yearn to be truly seen

note to self

Maybe try being strong without being tough

Have you made " tough" into a wall that keeps people from seeing you vulnerable

But it also keeps people from seeing that you seek connection

It's not weak to want
It's not weak to need

(no subject)

So frelling tired. Saturday's iron infusion treatment did not go well. I tried to time it so that the bone marrow reaction wouldnt coincide with my period, but I didnt realize how being close to my period would make it tough to thread a needle and tube up a vein. It took 5 sticks and them almost blowing out a vein on my hand before we found one that worked.

I dont know if it's that, or the IV steroids but I was out of it all weekend. Kept pressing the wrong buttons when getting gas. Lost my truck key in my truck. Forgot my bank card when we finally made it out for errands.

I thought it would be over with by today, but I had the shakes and sweats all day on top of starter cramps.

This is going to be a tough week.

(no subject)

My hemoglobin is at 12.7, the highest it 's been in 10 years.

Friends say the difference is amazing.

Yet, I cant get my Ferritin levels to stick. I was at 22 in Feb and have dropped to 15.

My wonderful hematologist was practically gleeful when talking about sending a camera inside me too see what my GI tract looks like.

The only way out is through

I just have to do it in order to fix this for good.