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18th Feb, 2015

I am Oui

I am urgent
I am needful
I am tensed calves
I am hunger
I am want

I am hot moist breath exhaled into your waiting lips.
I am red marks left on skin

I am low belly moan and staccato gasps
I am slippery, slick wetness
I am fingers clutching

I am
now
now
now

I am nerves alive and singing.
I am muscle pounding
blood pulsing, flesh abraded and tender

I am desire
I am need
I am want
I am urgent


-P.D. Ashton
02.18.15

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7th Oct, 2014

Housemate & I mostly amuse ourselves.

6th Sep, 2014




So, I have hair again. And it's curly! First professional haircut & color (yes, I'm a natural Blue) since I shaved my head in '07.

2nd Sep, 2014

I finally said it today. I thought I would always choke on the words, but it just came out.

"No, I never got to have any."



So much to unpack in that one small sentence.

note to self

Maybe try being strong without being tough

Have you made " tough" into a wall that keeps people from seeing you vulnerable

But it also keeps people from seeing that you seek connection

It's not weak to want
It's not weak to need

So frelling tired. Saturday's iron infusion treatment did not go well. I tried to time it so that the bone marrow reaction wouldnt coincide with my period, but I didnt realize how being close to my period would make it tough to thread a needle and tube up a vein. It took 5 sticks and them almost blowing out a vein on my hand before we found one that worked.

I dont know if it's that, or the IV steroids but I was out of it all weekend. Kept pressing the wrong buttons when getting gas. Lost my truck key in my truck. Forgot my bank card when we finally made it out for errands.

I thought it would be over with by today, but I had the shakes and sweats all day on top of starter cramps.

This is going to be a tough week.
i feel like an embodiment of Desire. All I do is hunger.

4th Aug, 2014

My hemoglobin is at 12.7, the highest it 's been in 10 years.

Friends say the difference is amazing.

Yet, I cant get my Ferritin levels to stick. I was at 22 in Feb and have dropped to 15.

My wonderful hematologist was practically gleeful when talking about sending a camera inside me too see what my GI tract looks like.

The only way out is through

I just have to do it in order to fix this for good.

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24th Jul, 2014

Words Fail


I wish instead of quoting lyrics that I could quote a guitar riff or drum rhythm.

Or the smell of your skin

The way the sun shone through the clouds when you smiled at me

The brightness of your eyes sparking me

Words fail to capture the memory senses that bubble up

Each one a perfect impression
Of what was

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24th Jul, 2014

Ugh, I keep running into the same attractive guy at work right when I'm being a spaz or grumpy. And it's gotten weird.

I wish I could bell him like a cat, so I have some warning.

I guess the universe is trying to teach me humility.

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ugh, I have been the most awkward human all week due to my damn period. I've been chomped on by the elevator once, tried to get in the wrong elevator once, bruised another toe, managed to fork my face. I mean, I know being on your period throws off your balance and stuff, but c'mon, this is redonk.

I'm trying not to poison myself with painkillers, but when I cant catch my breath because of the cramps and my hands are shaking too hard to open the bottle of Motrin I'm gonna err on the side of "cant take too many".

And I know this is why I'm feeling emotionally fragile, and that it will pass. But, I just want to go back to sleep. I suck at recognizing when someone's actually interested in me because I've just been head down for so long, well, (and being married to a shithead) that I'm slow to catch on.

I dont want to log back into Fetlife. I'm not up for online dating. I'm not big into the bar scene. I may go out dancing occasionally ( or at least going to try to in the City on saturday).

ugh, excuse while I go vomit from the pain and stress.

Soooo, seeing as I havent dated in years ... is it different now?

People arent expecting me to read their minds are they? And I figure once I've stated my interest then the ball's in their court right?

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1st Jun, 2014

I know the last two months have been stressful - great new place, great new job, last iron infusion treatment, and Peri being ill and dying.
But, I have hope for this year getting much better.

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3rd May, 2014

I do miss the good ol' LJ days.

30th Sep, 2013

I'm supposed to move on Saturday. Packing is proceeding. I'm living out of the suitcase now. Only problem is with all the vet bills lately, I have no money to move with!

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30th Sep, 2013

What I'm telling myself -

"It's going to be ok. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it will be ok. "

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All of my little sorrows combine in a bitter mixture that's hard to swallow

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4th Aug, 2013

Maybe it's better to not want them, than to want them & know your time has run out. That way your entire empty future isn't filled with loss.

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I just got through watching Superbad for the first time.

Man, we really fuck up our boychiks dont we? We make it so hard for boys to be free with their emotions and then it's hard for them to be friends.

And by the time they'are supposed to be off looking for partner, when they need emotional intelligence the most. They've only been given the equivalent of banging two rocks together to make fire. And girls are fucking nuclear physicists by the time they're half the age of the guys.

Of course it is so much easier to fight with each other, OF course it is. You got a reason to cry right there, impacting your nose, or your balls. Hell, I'd fight too, fuck long hours of emotional processing and crying until light-headed. So much quicker to punch each other and then go to the bbq place together.